


Taking Steps Is Easy, Standing Still Is Hard

by davecabbage



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, But mostly angst, Chronic Illness, Fluff and Angst, Low Body Image, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 09:23:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2264364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davecabbage/pseuds/davecabbage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raleigh's life has been a series of time limits. The world is at war with invaders from another world when he meets and falls in love with an injured soldier. For the first time in a long time he finds something he wants to hold on to, but the relationship comes with an expiration date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taking Steps Is Easy, Standing Still Is Hard

**Author's Note:**

> So a while back an anon sent me the following prompt on tumblr:
> 
> "I will wait, I will wait. Even if it takes just a fraction of a second or a million lifetimes; across the distance of barely a milimetre or a thousand worlds between us; I will wait."
> 
> And I came up with an idea for it pretty quickly and even wrote a brief scene for it, but it sat in my documents for a while gathering dust until one day I started writing again. And then I couldn't stop. This one really got away from me.
> 
> Title is taken from lyrics from Regina Spektor's 'You've Got Time'.
> 
> Anyway, this one is for you anon!

It was one of those summer’s days that was too good to spend inside. Not a cloud in the sky, the flowers were in full bloom, and there was an atmosphere of life and energy. You wouldn’t have imagined that there was a war raging on with countless numbers dying every day. That’s what happens when it’s on the TV set and not on your own doorstep.

Raleigh didn’t go out in public all that much these days. All those questioning and judgemental looks. Wondering why he was still here and not out there; trying to figure out what was wrong with him. But he could only stay cooped up indoors for so long before he went completely stir crazy. It was when he started talking to Yancy that he knew it was time to get out of the house.

He wandered aimlessly as he did on most of the days he decided to leave the house. He just picked a direction and started walking with no destination in mind; he had nowhere to go anymore. He found himself in a park. It was fairly empty besides himself and a group of children chasing each other and laughing without a care in the world. It must have been nice, he thought, to still retain that innocent ignorance about how the world was going to shit. He watched them for several moments before moving on and sitting himself down in a secluded spot on the grass. He used to spend his days after school with Yancy and Jazmine in a park just like this one; the three of them fooled around much like the children now. Those days were long gone.

Raleigh laid back on the grass and gazed up at the cloudless sky. He would just lay there for a while and enjoy the cool breeze on his face. Shut out the world for a while. Not for long and never entirely. His mind wouldn’t let him.

He must have dozed off for a while because the next thing he knew his face was being assaulted by bad breath and slobber. Raleigh was relieved to find it was a dog, and not some crazy park wandering pervert.

He pushed the dog back gently so he could sit up.

“Hey buddy.” He rubbed the dog’s head and it panted happily and rewarded his kindness with a lick to his hand. Raleigh couldn’t help but grin down at him as he wiped his hand on the leg of his jeans. He spied the collar around the dog’s neck and pulled his tags into view. Max. “I bet someone is missing you.”

Max barked as if in confirmation. Raleigh scanned the park but couldn’t see anyone around. The children’s laughter no longer filled the air and he couldn’t spot another person around.

“I can’t see anyone wanting to abandon you.”

“Max!” A voice called as if on schedule. “Max, c’mere!”

Raleigh looked up as he patted the dog. “See, looks like someone is missing you after all, buddy.”

Max’s tail wagged even faster and he barked at a man approaching them. He was well built, Raleigh noted, from what he could see of his well-defined arms and barely concealed muscles under a tight fitting t-shirt. It was a rare occurrence since you only really ran into children, the elderly or those with one medical condition or another these days. The sight of young men and women just didn’t happen all that much anymore. Not here at least. Not where it was peaceful. If you could really call it that.

The guy hobbled over, supported by a pair of crutches with one of his legs wrapped in a cast.

“There you are, you little shit.” The guy sounded pissed but Raleigh could see the concern in his eyes, which was only reinforced when he got down onto his knee despite the struggle, and let the dog climb half way into his lap and lick at him while he gave him a scratch between his wrinkles. He looked up at Raleigh a moment later as if he had just noticed him for the first time. “Trying to steal my dog, mate?”

Raleigh held his hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, he came to me.”

The other man grinned up at him and Raleigh’s felt his cheeks flush. Dimples like that should come with a warning label.

“Yeah, nah. Max is a good judge of character. Ain’t ‘cha boy?” He smiled fondly down at the dog who wagged his tail rapidly in response. “He must’ve really liked you to plant one on you.”

Raleigh flushed and used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe away dog drool on his face. The guy’s grin widened and those dimples deepened. Shit, this was not fair.

The guy gripped his crutches and used them to pull himself back up.

“Chuck.”

“Huh?”

Raleigh blinked at him. “Oh, right. Raleigh.”

He held his hand out, but quickly withdrew it and frowned at Chuck’s apprehensive look as he leant on the crutches. He gave him a sheepish smile and prayed that he came off as not a complete moron.

“Sorry.”

Chuck shot him another grin and laughed. “Don’t worry about it.”

He looked down at Max. “Max, shake.”

Max pawed at Raleigh’s leg until he bent down and shook the dog’s paw.

“You are adorable.” Raleigh cooed at him.

“Thanks, Max ain’t too bad on the eye either.”

“That’s, that’s not what I-!” Raleigh spluttered and felt his cheeks flush yet again in the presence of this gorgeous asshole. He got to his feet. “I was talking to the dog!”

Chuck laughed aloud. “I am aware of that, mate.”

His grin softened into a warm smile, but it didn’t last long.

“Broke my leg while I was out there.” He nodded down at the crutches. Raleigh felt like an asshole for staring and his earlier transgression.

“Oh.” He replied. “I mean, you don’t have to…to explain yourself or anything.”

“It’s not as if I’m making excuses or anything.” Chuck shrugged. “I’d only been out there for a couple of months and then one day one of the fuckers ambushed my squad and took out half of them.”

You really did have to be living under a rock to not know about the war. You couldn’t turn on the TV or read a newspaper without it being broadcast on almost every channel or plastered across almost every page. Invaders from another world, like something out of science fiction, had declared war on humanity. Creatures called Kaiju; large beasts the size of tanks that had been designed with the sole purpose and tools to carry out mass destruction without mercy. Their numbers had given them the advantage and so far they had taken over a considerable percentage of land across the ocean. They gained new territory and made their way closer and closer with every passing day. They had already taken most of Europe and Africa and no one knew whether they would head towards the Americas or Asia first. And no one wanted to wait around to find out.

The public were assured that they would never make it over to the US thanks to the brave men and women who were fighting the good fight overseas. Everyone knew it was bullshit. A lot of people volunteered, but a larger proportion had no choice in the matter. As soon as they realised that they were outnumbered and losing more soldiers than the opposing side the governments of every country began the drafting process. One by one the people around Raleigh began to disappear and he had never seen any of them again.

“Doc reckons the cast’ll be off in a few months.” Chuck continued. “Then I’ll be combat ready again.”

He sounded almost eager; like he couldn’t wait to get back out there.

“Right…”

Chuck cleared his throat after a few moments of silence. “I should be off then.”

“Yeah.” Raleigh didn’t know what else to say. He racked his brain to think of something, anything, to keep this gorgeous stranger in his company for just a little longer.

“Come on, Max.” Chuck awkwardly gripped the leash while holding onto his crutches and hobbled away with his dog in tow. Raleigh watched him go.

*

The next morning Raleigh was almost out of the door when he realised that he had been on auto-pilot the entire time since waking and had worked his routine into readying himself to leave the house and head straight in the direction of the park. He hadn’t even thought about it.

He hesitated at the door. It was pretty stupid when he thought about it. There wasn’t any question about it; he was fully aware of why he was doing it. What was the likelihood that he’d even be there again?

But there was a possibility that he _might_ be there.

Raleigh went back into the living room and grabbed a book from the shelf before heading out again. No point in making it look like he was there for the cute guy walking his dog. Even if that was exactly the reason he was. Besides, he’d always meant to read more; and why not do it outdoors in the great weather they had been having?

He found a spot beneath a tree and propped the book open in his lap. As far as reading went, he didn’t get a whole lot done due to all of the glances around the park he made between every turn of the page. After several hours and no signs of Chuck, Raleigh gave up his pitiful search and gave in to the words on the pages. At least the book had turned out to be pretty engrossing. He got so absorbed in the book as it turned out that he didn’t register the approach of the dog until he was pawing at his leg and shoving his face into his lap.

Raleigh couldn’t hide the grin as he scratched Max behind his ears and didn’t mind the drool on his legs one bit. “Hey there buddy. Ditch your owner again?”

As if on cue, an out of breath Chuck hobbled into view and stopped by him under the shade of the tree. He frowned when he saw that it was Raleigh that Max had abandoned him for again.

“You sure you’re not trying to steal my dog, mate?”

“He sought me out.”

“Sure you’re not hiding treats in your pocket?”

“Why, want one?”

Chuck rolled his eyes. “Think I’ll pass.”

*

It turned into a routine of sorts as the days passed. Raleigh found himself in the park and Max managed to free himself from Chuck’s lax grip on his leash. On crutches he was too slow for the dog’s brisk waddle and Max always made his way over to Raleigh who in turn lavished him with affection. Raleigh had even procured some of those promised treats for the dog.

Raleigh frowned as a means of greeting one afternoon. “What’s a soldier doing with a dog anyway?” He’d only given the dog and his owner’s situation some thought recently. No offence to Max, but he really didn’t seem like the highly trained attack dog type used in military operations.

“Hello to you too.” Chuck huffed and slumped down beside him. “They call him a therapy dog.”

“Does he sit in a chair and take notes while you tell him about your childhood and dreams?”

“Fuck off.” Chuck smacked his arm playfully. “Supposed to be an excuse to make me exercise. Though the fucker is lazier than me half the time.”

Max stretched out and gave a wide yawn as if to emphasise his point.

“They say he’s also good for cheering me up and shit, after…” He cleared his throat. “You know.”

Raleigh did know. Maybe not first hand, but he knew.

*

“I’m starting to think you two are planning this.” Chuck huffed the following afternoon after chasing after Max and finding himself in Raleigh’s company yet again.

Raleigh shared a look with Max. “I think he’s onto us buddy.”

Max licked his hand in response.

“Join us?” Raleigh gestured to a patch of grass next to him. “You look like you could do with a breather.”

“Fuck off, I think I can keep up with my fat arse of a dog.” Chuck sat himself down on the grass beside him regardless. He let out a groan as he stretched out his legs.

“Treat?” Raleigh held out the bag of dog treats after fishing one out and feeding it to Max.

“I will punch you.”

*

A frisbee to the face was not what Raleigh would have called a casual greeting. Apparently Chuck agreed to disagree.

“You aimed that.” He griped, rubbing the spot on his head where he was sure a nice bruise was going to form.

“Dunno what you’re talking about mate.” He looked down at his crutches and back up at him, flashing those damned dimples again. “I’m just a helpless cripple.”

“Yeah, sure you are…”

“Max, fetch.”

Raleigh’s eyes widened. “No, wai-”

Max leapt into his lap to retrieve the frisbee and Raleigh groaned at the sudden crushing weight. Chuck’s previous assessment of ‘fat arse dog’ was a very apt description in that moment. Chuck laughed loudly.

*

Chuck’s dimples didn’t make an appearance when he joined him in their usual spot the following day. He didn’t say much at all at first. He didn’t look at him either; just stared off into the distance. Raleigh shifted uncomfortably and scratched Max behind the ears. The dog seemed to pick up on his owner’s solemn mood and just rested his head in Raleigh’s lap and sighed. He couldn’t tell whether it was in reaction to himself or Chuck.

“I am going back out there, you know.” Chuck stated.

“What?” Raleigh looked over at him. “I know that.”

“This…whatever this is.” Chuck didn’t meet his gaze. “One day you’re gonna come back to this park and I won’t be here.”

“I know.” Raleigh murmured.

They both stared off into the distance and sat in a contemplative silence.

*

The next time Raleigh saw Chuck, he didn’t bother with their usual charade of ‘oh-hey-just-happened-to-bump-into-you-again’ when Max made his way over to him. Chuck just sat himself down next to Raleigh without so much as a word of greeting. Raleigh shifted uncomfortably when Chuck still didn’t say anything after several minutes.

“My brother… he enlisted.” Raleigh had no idea why he was telling him this. He never spoke to anyone about Yancy. Not anymore. Yet here he was spilling everything to someone who was still essentially a complete stranger. He could have filled the awkward silence with anything, even gone for the cliché of the weather, but he chose to talk about Yancy.

“I wanted to go with him but they wouldn’t let me.” He tapped his chest. “Bad heart. Told me I was too much of a liability. Called me a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off.”

And there it was; out in the open at last. Raleigh’s defect. Chuck had never asked him why he wasn’t out there. Raleigh wasn’t sure if it was out of some kind of politeness, but then again he’d never pegged Chuck as the polite type. Maybe he didn’t want to pry or maybe he simply didn’t want an answer. Raleigh had never wanted to talk about it anyway.

He glanced over at Chuck and tried to gauge his reaction. He was gazing ahead with lips pressed in a thin line and contemplative look clouding his features.

“He out there then?” Chuck asked eventually.

Raleigh shook his head. “He… He uh, died…few years back.”

Chuck was silent for a few moments. “Shit.”

What more could he have said?

Raleigh was used to the looks of pity and the muttered apologies, so he was grateful for Chuck’s lack of bullshit on the subject. “Everyone’s lost someone to this war.”

“Yeah…” Chuck didn’t look at him as he replied.

The silence seeped back into their conversation.

*

Raleigh was in their usual spot reading when Chuck’s figure blocked out the sun as he towered over him with a panting Max at his side.

“Coffee?”

“What?” Raleigh looked up at him and found Chuck watching him with an expectant look on his face.

Chuck spoke slowly. “Coffee. You drink it?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Great, you’re buying.” He pulled on Max’s leash and started off, not looking back to see if Raleigh was following.

Raleigh stood there for a moment and tried to comprehend how he had gone from making out with a dog to going out on a date with his hot owner in the space of a couple of weeks. Especially when said owner had already more or less indicated that he wasn’t interested. At least he thought it was a date. It felt like a date.

Chuck looked back at him. “You coming or are you just gonna sit there with that fucking dopey expression on your face all day?”

Raleigh snapped back to attention and scrambled to his feet and hurried after Chuck. He took the leash from him after watching him struggle to walk the dog and himself at the same time.

“For the record, still not trying to steal your dog.” He looked down at the leash in his hand and then to Chuck. “That was just too painful to watch any longer.”

“Yeah, whatever you say mate. I’ve got my eye on you.”

That did not sound like a bad thing to Raleigh at all.

They had coffee together – decaf for Raleigh – and they were still sat there in each other’s company long after both cups had emptied, the sky darkened and Max had flopped down on the floor with a sigh when he realised that his exercise was over for the foreseeable future. They were eventually kicked out by an irritated waitress who told them the café was closing. Raleigh checked his watch and cursed the damn thing. He didn’t want Chuck to leave but he was already on his feet and tugging at a groggy Max’s leash as he ushered him through the door. Raleigh tried hard to keep the disappointment from showing on his face, but was completely helpless when it came to hiding the grin that replaced it when Chuck slapped a screwed up napkin in his hand with his phone number scrawled on it before heading off. 

*

While neither of them said it a loud, they both acknowledged that this was a thing. They actually arranged to meet up rather than continue with the charade of just casually bumping into each other. Although, Chuck still claimed that he went to the park first for his walks with Max and it was Raleigh who kept coming back to see him. He never mentioned the fact that he had cut through the park because his original planned walking route proved to be too long, nor did he mention that he had fully intended to go back to that walking route once he had built up his strength and stamina, but failed to do so after the first day Max had found Raleigh laying in the grass.

There was not a day that went by that Raleigh didn’t spend in Chuck’s company from that point onwards. Without realising it Chuck had started to schedule his exercises during Raleigh’s work hours at the munitions factory – Raleigh had reasoned that he could still contribute to the war effort in one way or another – and met him on route back to his house with a panting and worn out Max in tow.

Raleigh wasn’t sure at what point they had started living together. They both still had their own separate houses but they spent their nights together in each other’s beds, constantly travelling from one place to the other. He definitely took notice when he found that Chuck’s clothes took up more than a third of his laundry load. He took notice when he had a cup of coffee ready for Chuck and made him breakfast in the mornings. He noticed when Chuck prompted him to take his medication every day and started wearing his clothes when he ran out of his own.

He didn’t complain.

*

The first time they had sex was a mixture of awkward fumbling and cautious manoeuvring. Sure they had traded hand jobs and they had given each other blowjobs on more than one occasion – the best Raleigh had ever had in fact – but Chuck had never taken it all the way with him, and Raleigh was getting both frustrated, and a little worried.

Chuck had fallen back onto the bed and stretched out his sore and tired leg while Raleigh had laid down beside him, pressed into his side with his head resting on Chuck’s chest as he listened to the beat of his heart. They had every intention of just sleeping together, as opposed to _sleeping together_ , but the feeling of Chuck’s fingers gently running through his hair was having the opposite of its intended soothing effect.  

At the sound of the content sigh he managed to draw out of Raleigh, Chuck’s fingers slid down to the back of his neck and stroked in slow, lazy circles. Raleigh’s eyes slid closed and he hummed in satisfaction. He pulled himself up so that he was half laying across Chuck’s chest and kissed him lightly. Not that it stayed that way for long.

Chuck’s light grip on the back of Raleigh’s neck became firmer and he locked him in place and explored his mouth with his tongue. His other hand slid down his side and rested on his back and gripped tightly at his sweater when he felt Raleigh’s hand slip below the waistband of his jeans and rub his cock.

Chuck moaned at the friction and Raleigh pulled away and smirked down at him. “Soldier’s going commando, huh?”

Chuck rolled his eyes. “You try dressing yourself with a broken fucking leg.”

“That’s what you’ve got me for.”

“I’d rather you undressed me.”

“That an order?”

Chuck licked his lips. “Pants off. Now.”

“Sir, yes sir.” Raleigh mock saluted and more than happily complied. 

“Fucking idiot.”

Raleigh placed a kiss on his lips and rubbed the tip of his cock with his thumb. “You love it.”

“Fuck.” Chuck moaned breathily. He licked his lips again and wrapped his fingers around his own cock when Raleigh sat up and pulled his sweater off and tossed it behind him.

Raleigh had been reluctant to take it off in front of him at first. He felt exposed. The ugly faded scar was still prominent on his chest; a constant reminder of his shortcomings. He had always wondered what it would be like to have it on show all the time; he had considered whether it would make things easier if people were aware of his defect instead of scrutinising him all the time. But when Chuck’s eyes were immediately drawn to his disfigurement Raleigh was suddenly grateful that he could cover it up and hide it away.  

The first time Chuck had seen it Raleigh hadn’t given it much thought. He’d been caught up in the heat of the moment and got carried away when Chuck’s hands were all over him and tearing away at the layers separating skin from skin. He had made a grab for his shirt when he watched Chuck’s eyes zero in on it and tried to shove it back on. But Chuck’s hands had grabbed his wrists in a vice like grip and pulled him down onto the bed beside him.

“Chuck, don’t-” He began to plead but before he could react, those same hands that had clasped him so tightly were tracing the length of the scar with a feather light touch. He moved in close and placed an equally light kiss at the top of it and pressed his lips on it over and over again until he reached the bottom.

Raleigh had crumbled in his embrace and sobbed into his chest as Chuck held him and stroked his hair. They stayed like that for a long time with Raleigh unable to produce any sound but the heaving sobs. He knew Chuck would have berated him if he had been able to read his thoughts about his scars. His defect. The thing that separated him from everyone else. The thing that kept him from staying by his brother’s side. The thing that prevented him from being there for Yancy as he took his final breath. It was an integral part of him. It defined him.

He despised it.

Chuck placed his hands on either side of his face when the sobbing had subsided and wiped the tears away with his thumb. “There ain’t nothing wrong with you.”

Maybe he could read him better than he had thought.

“It’s just a mark.” He pulled Raleigh back into his chest. “We’ve all got ‘em…”

They had laid there in each other’s embrace for the rest of the night.

“C’mere.” Chuck pulled him down again, bringing him back to the present, and traced his fingers lightly across his scar. Raleigh’s breath hitched; even after that first encounter he still hesitated under any attention given to it. Some scars just ran deeper than others.

Chuck’s palms spread out and ran down the length of his body and settled at the waistband of his jeans. His fingers made quick work of his belt and zipper and he eased them down, along with his boxers, until he had a lapful of a completely naked Raleigh who in turn helped rid Chuck of his shirt.

Raleigh draped himself over Chuck, careful to avoid putting any weight on his cast covered leg. He knew how much Chuck despised the thing; how he hated being limited to laying back and making Raleigh do all of the work. Not that Raleigh had really minded lavishing him with so much attention. But Chuck was desperate to flip him over and fuck him into the mattress until he was no longer coherent. Not that he would have if he had been able to.

And therein laid Raleigh’s frustration.

They laid there in the bed, making out like teenagers, with hands exploring each other’s bodies and grinding into one another. Quiet gasps and moans filled the room in between the smacking of lips. And Chuck was making no moves to take it further. 

Raleigh wanted more. He needed more. Sure everything that they had done before fell into the category of sex, and call him a stupid teenager for his phrasing of it, but they hadn’t _gone all the way_ yet.

Raleigh wanted Chuck. All of him. Completely. And he wasn’t about to be denied any longer.

“Chuck…” He breathed the word out as Chuck’s lips latched onto his throat and sucked. His hands gripped his ass and squeezed, pushing him down and pressing Raleigh’s erection into his own.

Raleigh found his opportunity and he took it. Reaching behind him he placed his hands over Chuck’s and guided one down and the other up. He brought his hand to his lips and licked along his index finger before taking it in his mouth and sucking. Chuck groaned against his neck and sucked harder. Raleigh was pretty sure that was going to leave a mark, and it was one he more than welcomed on his body. After licking and sucking down the length of his fingers, adding two more into his mouth, and coating them in a sufficient amount of saliva Raleigh pulled Chuck’s hand away and guided it back down towards his ass. Chuck was far too preoccupied with the increased friction between their legs as Raleigh bucked his hips extra hard and ground his erection against his to cotton onto his intentions.

It wasn’t until he had guided his fingers to his hole that Chuck became aware and he snatched his hand away without thinking.

“What…?” Chuck gave him a puzzled look and Raleigh let out a frustrated sigh; he knew he wasn’t that clueless.

“Chuck.” Raleigh started and internally winced at the whiney and needy tone in his voice. “You’re holding back…”

“I’m not-” Chuck frowned.

Raleigh shook his head. “You don’t need to.”

“I don’t want to…I mean…I want to…Fuck, I want to…” Chuck bit his lip and wiped a hand over his face. Raleigh was desperate to push him but he knew it would just make him withdraw further. He waited and Chuck eventually pulled his hand away and gazed up at him. “Can you…? I mean, are you okay to…?”

Raleigh bit back the laugh that bubbled up in his throat and instead leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips. He felt an overwhelming surge of affection for Chuck in that moment.

“Just gotta take it slow.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Chuck murmured and looked away.

Raleigh gripped his jaw and turned him to face him. “You won’t.”

“But-” Raleigh cut him off with another kiss.

“I want this.” His hand wrapped around Chuck’s cock and he gave it a few slow pumps. “I want you…”

Chuck swallowed and nodded.

“Just…” His hand settled back on his ass and one finger slowly slid in; Raleigh closed his eyes and bit his lip. “Just tell me if you need to stop, okay?”

“Fuck…” Raleigh opened his eyes and felt his chest swell at the look of concern on Chuck’s face. “That feels…so good.”

Raleigh shifted slightly and bucked his hips in assent for Chuck to keep going, but instead he removed it.

“Chuck-” Raleigh whined but Chuck shook his head and cut him off.

“If we’re gonna do this.” He reached over and rummaged around the top drawer of his bedside table. “Then we’re gonna do it right.”

Raleigh’s lip quirked up in a small smile. “So you _have_ given this some thought.”

Chuck flicked the lid open and slathered it onto his fingers. “All I’ve been thinking about lately…”

“I’m not made of glass, Chuck. You’re not going to break m- ah…”

He wanted to smack the smug grin off Chuck’s face, regardless of how good his fingers shoved up his ass felt. Raleigh opted for kissing it off instead. He nipped at Chuck’s bottom lip and slid his tongue inside, exploring his mouth and savouring the taste of his tongue.

And still it wasn’t enough. Raleigh wanted more. Always wanted more of Chuck. He would never stop wanting him.

Raleigh’s hips started to rock back and forth in time to the rhythm of Chuck’s fingers and he gasped into his mouth as he pushed them in further with every thrust.   

“Fuck.” He panted. “More. Need more.”

That cocky grin made its way onto Chuck’s face once more. “That an order?”

“Ah…” Raleigh whimpered when Chuck’s fingers curled ever so slightly inside him as he thrust them in and out harder. “Fuck. Yes. Fuck me. Now.”

Chuck didn’t need to be told twice. His fingers slid out and Raleigh straddled his hips. He snatched the bottle of lube when Chuck went to make a grab for it.

“Let me.” Raleigh slathered a generous amount onto his hands and wrapped his hands around his cock. Chuck’s head fell back onto the pillow and he bit back a moan as Raleigh’s palms ran up and down his cock and coated it in lube. He groaned as Raleigh eased down onto him until he was fully in him. The tight warmth around his cock was driving him insane but he remained still, not daring to make a move until Raleigh did. But he wasn’t sure how long he could take it slow for.

Raleigh let out a shuddering breath as he adjusted to the feeling of Chuck filling him up. This was what he had been missing. This was what he had been waiting for, and fuck had it had been worth it.

Chuck bit his lip, running his hands up Raleigh’s thighs, and gripped his hips. Raleigh started to move slowly up and down and it took every ounce of self-control for Chuck to keep himself steady and not buck his hips up hard.

Raleigh whimpered when Chuck slid one hand down and gripped his cock. He rubbed his thumb over the tip and began to pump it in time to Raleigh’s pace. Raleigh cried out as a surge of pleasure shot through him as he adjusted his position and Chuck’s cock slammed into his prostate. He shuddered as he pulled himself up and lowered himself again, riding him slower this time, but hitting that sweet spot again. Chuck’s hands on him and his cock inside him were sending waves of pleasure through his body that overwhelmed and consumed Raleigh.

“Fuck…Ah….” Raleigh gasped. “Hold me up.”

Chuck complied and placed his hands firmly on his hips again. This time he helped to lift Raleigh up and brought him back down onto his cock, harder and faster than before. From the glazed look in his eyes and the soft pants and moans escaping his lips, Raleigh guessed that Chuck was as close to the edge as he was.

“Harder.” Raleigh moaned and Chuck obeyed.

Chuck moaned loudly and Raleigh felt his cock throb inside him as he came. Raleigh was so close and Chuck helped him over the edge by pumping his cock until he came in his hands. He wiped his hands on the sheets, not giving a damn about the mess. Raleigh collapsed on top of him, panting hard, and felt Chuck slip out of him. Even in his state of exhaustion he was still mindful enough not to put any weight on his leg. Chuck’s arms wrapped around him and he felt himself being pulled up gently.

“You alright, yeah?” Concern was etched across his face. “I didn’t…?”

“I’m fine, Chuck. Really.” Raleigh murmured and shook his head. “Just need to get my breath back.”

His head fell back onto Chuck’s chest and he let out a breathy laugh. “Worth it. So worth it.”

Chuck couldn’t help but smile fondly down at him as he stroked his fingers through Raleigh’s hair with one hand and rubbed his back with the other.

They spent a lot more time in the bedroom after that night.  

*

Raleigh refused to look at the calendar hanging on the kitchen wall every time he passed it. He wouldn’t look at the increasing number of crosses marking off the days. He wouldn’t acknowledge the decreasing number of blank dates counting down to the final circled box at the doctor’s predicted end date. But he always saw it anyway in the corner of his eye. Always saw that they were one day closer to being so far apart. 

A person can only avoid reality for so long before it inevitably sneaks up on them and sucker punches them. Sometimes it can be a light tap, and others a winding blow to the gut that leaves them doubled over and gasping for breath.

Raleigh hated hospitals for a number of reasons, most of which went without saying, but these days he hated them on behalf of someone else which was an odd feeling in itself. He still had to attend regularly himself – always had and always would have to – and on those occasions he had refused to let Chuck accompany him. Raleigh didn’t want him to see his examinations. It somehow made his debilitations and shortcomings all the more real and prominent; it was like his disease became a visible entity that wrapped itself around Raleigh like a possessive lover that wanted everyone around him to know that he belonged to it.

He still remembered waking up in a hospital bed one day, wondering how the hell he had got there, with Yancy’s concerned face looming over him. He had wrapped his arms around his little brother and it was the first time Raleigh had seen him cry. He hadn’t shed a tear at the news of their parents and Jazmine’s deaths, but he had figured that had been down to holding him in his arms while Raleigh had cried his heart out for the both of them.

“Shit, Rals.” Yancy breathed. “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

“Sorry…” Raleigh whispered. He felt so weak and his chest felt like something heavy was pressing down on it.

Yancy shook his head. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

“We needed the money…”

There was fury in Yancy’s eyes. “I don’t care about the money! It’s _my_ job to worry about that.”

“You’re working for the both of us. I just wanted to help. I needed to do _something_.”

“By getting yourself killed?!”

“I hate feeling so helpless. So fucking _useless_.” Raleigh’s fists clenched.

“I know…” Yancy sighed. “Fuck, I know. But your medication is important, Rals. I don’t _care_ how much it costs. I don’t _care_ about the rationing or having to go hungry.”

Raleigh was crying too. He had fucked up. He had fucked up big time. He thought he could skip a week or two and get away with it, but he’d overestimated his weakened body.

Raleigh hated how much he had to rely on Yancy; hated how much of a burden he was on his older brother. And in the end he’d only made things worse. He was almost sixteen and instead of earning his keep, he was just a liability that added to the already crushing weight of responsibility on Yancy’s shoulders.

Yancy’s voice was low; lower and darker than Raleigh had ever heard it before. “Don’t you ever sell it again.”

“I’m sorry…”

Yancy wrapped his arms around him again. He hadn’t said anything then, but Raleigh later found out in the medical report that he had been legally dead on the table for almost two minutes.

Raleigh watched silently as Chuck’s doctor, who was looking pleased with himself, showed off the x-rays and talked enthusiastically about his progress while Chuck nodded along, pretending to listen for a while until he told the doctor to cut to the chase – using slightly more colourful language – and get to the important details.

“At the rate you’re healing, you’ll be on your feet in no time Mr Hansen.”

The doctor’s voice became background noise to Raleigh. So far he had avoided all of Chuck’s hospital visits. He knew he was being a selfish coward, but he couldn’t help it. He knew he was being an asshole too. What kind of person dreaded hearing the news that their loved one was getting better? What kind of awful person wished that their loved one wouldn’t get better? But truth be told, Raleigh didn’t want Chuck to get better. Every day Chuck got better was one day ticked off their allocated time together. Raleigh knew this from the start. But it was too late to get out now. And, even if he could, he didn’t want to.

“Oi.” Chuck pulled him out of his melancholy train of thoughts with a nudge to the shoulder. “You look more miserable than the poor bastards in the cancer ward.”

“Oh…sorry.” Raleigh tried to give him a weak smile but it he looked more like he was in pain. “Not a fan of hospitals…for obvious reasons.”

“Right.” Chuck didn’t look convinced. “That the real reason you’ve been making excuses for all of my appointments?”

“You know I have a bad history with-”

“Cut the bullshit, Raleigh.”

Chuck stared him down. He had that determined look on his face he got when he set out to do something and no force on earth could stop him; Raleigh knew he couldn’t avoid this talk. As much as he had put it off. As much as he tried to pretend that they didn’t have an expiry date to the point that he had almost started to convince himself of the lie.

Chuck let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hand through his hair. Raleigh couldn’t help but think about how great his hair looked tousled up when he ran his own hands through it; how great it looked all messed up like that after sex. He mentally slapped himself. This was a serious discussion.

“I’m sorry.” Raleigh’s voice cracked. “I just…fuck this isn’t easy for me, okay?”

“We both knew what this was from the start.”

“Chuck-”

“We both knew this thing came with an expiry date.”

Everything in Raleigh’s life came with an expiry date. His life was a series of end dates with days flittering away and everything he loved had been ripped away from him before he was ready to part with them. His head started to swim. The lights were suddenly too bright. The room felt smaller, like the walls had moved in on them and sucked some of the air out.

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Raleigh could barely get the words out. “Not now.”

“We have to talk about this sometime, Raleigh.”

“I know…I just…”

“We can’t keep pretending everything is fucking fine.” Chuck’s voice was beginning to rise.

“I know that!” Raleigh’s shoulders slumped. “I know that…”

Raleigh knew this conversation was coming. It had been a long time coming. He had tried to push it out of his mind but it was always looming over them. And Chuck wasn’t backing down.

“I don’t like this anymore than you, but this is happening. You have to accept that.”

Raleigh knew that had he been able, Chuck would have been off that table and in his face. It was times like this that he wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. He shook his head and made for the door instead. Chuck shouted after him and reached out to grab at Raleigh but he shook him off and didn’t look back.

Raleigh hadn’t ran like that in a long time. He hadn’t run for a long time. But he was always running. He kept going until he couldn’t run anymore. Not that he got very far. He ran until his legs gave out under him as if they had been weighted down and his lungs felt like they were going to burn up from the inside out and his heart hammered like it was about to go into critical meltdown.

If Yancy could have seen him now, he thought. His brother had always been the strong one; the one who had enough strength to carry the both of them. He would have known what to do; would have offered some sagely brotherly advice. But not before giving him hell for it first. Raleigh could almost hear the exasperated older brother tone of his voice: ‘ _Well Rals, you always did have terrible judgement when it came to romance_. _Trust you to recreate some tragic chick flick for your love life.’_

Safe and simple was never really an option in Raleigh’s life.

Chuck let himself into the house sometime in the night. He climbed into bed and wrapped his arms around Raleigh from behind and pulled him into his chest. He knew Raleigh was still awake but he didn’t say a word. The next morning neither of them mentioned the hospital visit.

*

Most nights Chuck slept like a coma patient and Raleigh found that trying to pry himself out of his vice like grip in the mornings was akin to trying to escape from a boa constrictor. Chuck slept deeply and peacefully. But some nights he tossed and turned. On those nights he gripped the sheets and murmured in his sleep. It wasn’t dramatic like in the movies where people woke up screaming, but from the pained whimpers it was clear that he was suffering. Raleigh didn’t know what to do. He was always the one in pain; he was the one who was always in need of being rescued. No one had ever relied on him. No one had ever needed him.

Chuck punched him square in the jaw the first time Raleigh tried to shake him out of the nightmare; even half asleep he had a mean right hook. He had approached him with caution after that during his episodes. He held him close, both to calm and restrain, and whispered soothing words and reassurances in an attempt to coax Chuck into waking with promises that he was safe there with him.

Drenched in sweat Chuck woke with a violent jerk. Raleigh assured him that it was just a bad dream and that he was okay. He wouldn’t talk to Raleigh about it in the beginning. Much like Raleigh wouldn’t talk about Yancy. But in the end he had given in after several fitful nights in a row when it was clear that this was not going to stop.

His squad had been on patrol in one of the many ruined cities; reports had indicated that the place was deserted. They had crept along on high alert and snapped to attention at the slightest hint of sound or movement around them. The hands that held his rifle were quivering and Chuck couldn’t shake the dryness in his mouth. One minute he had been standing next to one of his squad mates and the next, the earth had opened up and swallowed him down. The Kaiju had come out of the ground and swept over them in seconds. He hadn’t know they could do that.

The world around them exploded into chaos. Bullets flew from every direction. People were running for cover and screaming orders to one another but no one could make out the words over the cacophony of sounds born on the battlefield. The roar of the Kaiju was deafening and made his helmet vibrate.

The Kaiju had made quick work of all of them. One of them leapt from soldier to soldier and sunk its teeth and claws into them. Chuck could hear their screams as they were torn to pieces. His finger was on the trigger and he let loose a volley of bullets. He had no idea if his shots connected with the enemy.

Another had thrown Kaidonovsky, a hulking Russian, into a wall like he didn’t weigh a thing. He didn’t get back up after that. Chuck had shared meals and played cards with the guy throughout training and in an instant he was gone. His wife hadn’t gone down without a fight; she’d emptied her clip into its back and pulled the pin on her grenade when it came down on her to finish her off.

Chuck was thrown back by the blast and felt the bone in his leg break when some debris landed on him. He had survived the remaining Kaiju by getting trapped under the bodies of two of his squad mates; their blood soaked him and he had managed to pass for a corpse underneath them.

The screams were still loud in Chuck’s ears; the smell of blood still lingered. The helpless feeling of knowing that the tiniest sound or movement could have been the end of him. And then there was the waiting. Laying there, trapped like an animal in a snare, underneath the bodies of his fallen squad mates whose cold, lifeless eyes stared back at him until help arrived.

Six hours later the recon squad had found Chuck and pulled him out.

Raleigh had his arms wrapped around Chuck and he held him close as he recounted the story. Chuck closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath as he listened to Raleigh’s heartbeat with his face pressed against his chest. Raleigh ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his back. They were both silent for a long time after that.

He had wondered if it had been like that for Yancy. Had his death been instantaneous like Kaidonovsky’s, or had he suffered and screamed out in agony as he was ripped to shreds by a Kaiju? He’d been told that Yancy had fought bravely and died a hero. That was what they said about everyone who had been killed in the line of duty. Raleigh decided he really didn’t want to know. He almost wished Chuck hadn’t told him.

Raleigh imagined Chuck laying in the battlefield; soaked in blood, alone and afraid with Kaiju circling as he drew his last shuddering breaths and the life leaked out of him. And what was worse, what he couldn’t understand, was that this was what Chuck wanted. This was his choice, draft or not.

Chuck’s warm breath tickled against Raleigh’s chest when eventually he let out a shaky laugh. “You’re like my second therapy dog.”

Raleigh smiled. They were back in the bedroom together; the ruined battlefield was thousands of miles away. The suffering cries and whimpers that made his heart ache were replaced with that sound that made his heart ache in an entirely different way.

“I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.”

“Dogs are better than people.”

Raleigh’s fingers stilled and he kissed the top of his head. “Shouldn’t I be the one getting head scratches then?”

“Fuck off.” Chuck prodded him in the ribs. “I didn’t say stop.”

He rolled his eyes and resumed running his fingers through Chuck’s hair. “It’s not your fault, you know.”

Chuck was quiet for a few moments before taking another deep breath. “Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve to make it out when they didn’t…”

This time it was Raleigh’s turn to fall into silence. He continued to run his fingers through his hair and stare up into the darkness until he felt Chuck’s breathing even out and he was sure that he had drifted off again.

“So do I...”

Chuck still had nightmares. They weren’t as frequent, and he knew they would never go away entirely. But he could cope, and waking up in Raleigh’s arms helped. The thought of getting the chance to get the bastards back helped too.

*

The thing about war when you’re not directly involved in it is that it’s easy to lose track or forget. It’s easy to avoid the harsh reality and the suffering of others. Death tolls just become another statistic. It’s not the same when the bodies are just figures and not real corpses that can be seen, felt, and touched. It’s different when those lives become numbers instead of people.

It’s not until a person is directly affected that the reality of the situation slips into their life and takes a hold of them. Like everyone who had lost someone Raleigh found hearing news about the war, particularly the bad kind, painful. It forced the memories of Yancy to the surface. It reminded him of what had been taken from him. Reminded him that his brother was gone and he was never coming home.

Raleigh didn’t go out of his way to avoid it. It wasn’t as if he could anyway; it was all anyone ever talked about. And like everyone else he was taken with that morbid fascination with how it was all progressing. Keeping an eye on how much time he might have left, as it were, and wondering if today would be the day that the war finally came to them.

Chuck was relentless; he was always hungry for more information. If he couldn’t be out there in it then he would follow the progress from every source he could get his hands on. And even then Raleigh could see that it wasn’t enough for him. He was restless; it was plain to anyone with eyes. Subtlety was not Chuck’s strong suit. Usually this was a trait that Raleigh loved about him, but it was also a trait that he hated about him. He could see the building agitation in him. Chuck was not built to sit around idly; he was an ‘actions speak louder than words’ kind of guy. Not that this stopped his foul mouth from running. He scowled at the TV screen and swore at the Kaiju with every curse word under the sun and some he more than likely had invented himself. Raleigh agreed with his sentiment. Of course he did. But there was more to those words and he knew it. Chuck wanted to be out there. He wanted to be a part of that fight. He wanted to take care of the problem himself. He wouldn’t sit back while others put themselves at risk. Raleigh loved him for that, but he also hated him for it.

Every time he switched on the TV or picked up a newspaper Raleigh was reminded that sooner or later someone else was going to be claimed from him. And there was nothing he could do to stop it. As with every aspect of his life he was he was powerless to do anything.

Chuck was aware of his aversion and they had argued about it at first. They were sitting on the couch one evening watching TV with Raleigh leaning against Chuck whose leg was propped up on some pillows. A news report came on and Raleigh reached for the remote and changed the channel.

“I was watching that.” Chuck groused and made a swipe for the remote.

“I’m sick of the news. I just wanna switch it off for one night.” Raleigh used his best soothing voice. He knew he was treading in a mine field.

“You want to switch it off every fucking night.” Chuck sat up, forcing Raleigh to get up and off of him in the process.

Raleigh sighed. “But I don’t. I let you watch it, even when I want nothing more than to just switch it off. Switch everything off. Just for a while.”

“It’s like you don’t give a shit.”

Raleigh flinched and registered the flicker of regret and concern in Chuck’s face.

“It’s different for you.” Raleigh’s voice was quiet. “You’re not the one who has to sit around and just wait.”

“I’m the one risking my life every second I’m out there.”

“You think I want to be stuck here? You think I want to be the one left behind? To be forced to sit around and wait. Wait for that inevitable knock on the door?” The words were spilling out of his mouth before he could stop them, and they kept coming. “To know I’m helpless to do anything while the person I love is out there. Not knowing if you’re alive or dead and not being able to do a damn thing about it?”

Chuck was staring at him. All traces of anger were gone from his face. Raleigh wasn’t sure what his expression was anymore. He couldn’t read Chuck at all in that moment. And it scared him. He was finding it difficult to think straight. His heart was racing; he really needed to stop doing that to himself. He’d just said something important, hadn’t he? Something pretty damn big. Chuck wasn’t saying anything.

The next thing he knew he was in Chuck’s arms. His grip was tight. Chuck murmured something but it was difficult to hear with his face buried in Raleigh’s neck.

Chuck was still hungry for news and Raleigh had accepted that this wasn’t going to change and that his hunger needed to be satiated. Every time a news report came on he felt Chuck’s eyes on him. Some days he would cuddle closer to Chuck and relax into the touch of his fingers through his hair. Other days he would get up without a word a slink out of the room and into the bedroom to lay down. Max would always waddle into the room and struggle up onto the bed with him. Raleigh knew he had been sent; given the choice Chuck was always his first priority. Raleigh couldn’t blame him, but he appreciated the sentiment all the same.

*

They were in the hospital room again. Chuck was sitting on the table with a doctor hunched over his propped up leg. Raleigh hovered nearby, biting his lip, with his arms wrapped around himself and watching intently. The buzzing of the saw stopped and Chuck’s cast was cracked open and pried off. After he had cleaned up and inspected Chuck’s leg, making him do all the routine stretches and movements, the doctor left them alone to draw up the necessary paperwork.

“You just gonna stand there all day and not talk to me or what?” Chuck asked when Raleigh made no move to go to him. He didn’t show any reaction of any kind. He had just fixed his gaze on one of the generic health posters on the wall; it helped to have something to focus on.

Raleigh didn’t say anything. Everything he had come to know in the past few months was coming to an abrupt end. They had reached the end of the line and Raleigh was not ready. Fuck, he was not ready for this at all.

“Raleigh…” Chuck’s voice was soft, but Raleigh could hear the worry in his voice and see the concern in his eyes. He swung his legs off the table and put his feet on the ground with care and took a tentative step towards him.

“Fuck…” Raleigh croaked. He looked up at him and his eyes were wet.

“I know…” Chuck wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

*

That last night, the night before Chuck was due to ship out, Raleigh dreamed of Yancy. They were sitting on the porch in the back yard. Two cans of beer sat between them. His superior officers would have kicked his ass had they known but Yancy hadn’t given a damn; he had wanted to share one last drink with his little brother before he went.

They had fought earlier that day when Yancy had found the forged documents Raleigh had intended to use to enlist. Yancy had been furious and called him a stupid brat. At the time Raleigh had been filled with an intense frustrated rage when his brother had torn them up. He just wanted to go with him. He just wanted to be with his brother. Yancy had promised that they would never be apart; after their parents and Jazmine had been taken they only had each other left and Yancy had _promised_ that nothing would change that. His brother had tried to reason with him but Raleigh hadn’t wanted to hear it. He didn’t care that Yancy was going out there to keep him safe. If it meant dying with his brother then Raleigh would have chosen that path; they were meant to be in this together. He didn’t see the point in going on if Yancy was gone and he said as much. Yancy had socked him in the face for that one.

His brother had found Raleigh sulking on the porch after he had stormed out of the room. He didn’t give Raleigh the usual shtick about being the bratty little brother; they didn’t have the time or energy for that. They talked a lot about when they were kids; reminisced over their shared memories. They laughed and joked about the good times and fought back the tears with choked voices about the bad ones.

And just when Raleigh was starting to feel safe and at home again Yancy was heading out the door. The last image of his back was seared into Raleigh’s memory forever.  

*

Raleigh woke early, before the alarm, on that last morning. He rolled over and just watched the rise and fall of Chuck’s chest as he continued to sleep on. He took in every detail. The shade of ginger hair that Raleigh had run his fingers through countless times; every freckle that adorned Chuck’s body that he had traced with his fingers and tongue; and every line and curve of his body he had come to know so intimately in so short a time.

And it really was such a short period of time. Not long enough. Not long enough at all. Raleigh despaired at the unfairness of it all. He lamented over the injustice of being given something, someone, so good and so right, only for him to be snatched away just as quickly as he had come into his life. And yet, he knew that given the opportunity with the knowledge he had now he would do it all over again because the time he spent with Chuck, regardless of how long or short it was, were hours he would have traded the rest of his years for.

Chuck began to stir as Raleigh lightly brushed his fingers through his hair. His brow furrowed and his lips curled downwards as he frowned in his sleep as if the idea of waking offended him. Raleigh chuckled softly at the memories of a groggy and irritable Chuck waking each morning and looking like a sleepy child as he rubbed his eyes and shuffled about the house still half asleep and half dressed. Some mornings Raleigh pushed a cup of coffee into his hands to help him wake up. Other mornings he used methods that didn’t involve leaving the warmth of their bed.

Raleigh leaned forward and pressed his lips softly against Chuck’s. His lips were a little dry and chapped. Raleigh remedied that by running his tongue gently along them. His fingers traced along Chuck’s side and stroked in light circles across his hips. Chuck responded to the kiss, groggily at first with a grumble, but soon enough the kiss became more enthusiastic and the grumbling was replaced with a contented sigh. His hands found Raleigh’s body and pulled him close.

They made love one last time in their bed that morning. It was soft and slow and sweet; the room was filled with soft gasps and breathy moans and the rustling of sheets. Raleigh’s eyes, hands and lips explored and savoured every last inch of Chuck and committed every detail to memory. If Raleigh could have picked just one moment in all of their time together – in the entirety of his lifetime – to freeze and live within for the rest of time it would have been that one.

*

A single duffle bag sat by the door. This was it. This was really happening. Chuck was minutes – seconds – away from stepping out of that door and out of his life. And what scared Raleigh the most was that he honestly didn’t know if he would ever step back through it again.

Chuck opened his mouth to say something but shut it again. His eyes were red rimmed and wet with the tears that he refused to let flow because he was a stubborn bastard, but also because he was afraid that once they started they might never stop. Raleigh didn’t know what to say.

Max had waddled into the room and whined at Chuck. He seemed to have figured it out from the bag sitting by the door. He knew something was wrong; his human was looking ready to head out and his leash was nowhere in sight. He pawed at his leg and whimpered. Chuck knelt down in front of him and grabbed his wrinkled face between his hands.

“Hey handsome.” He placed a kiss on the dog’s head and gave him a scratch. “Oh, I’m going to miss you.”

Max licked his face and whined again.

“Looks like the little guy grew on you after all.” Raleigh couldn’t help but smile fondly as he watched the two of them.

Chuck gave Max one last pat and got to his feet. Raleigh noted how he did it with ease; he was well and truly healed.

“Maybe there’s something in these ‘therapy’ dogs after all.”

“Yeah…”

“I have a confession to make…” Chuck murmured. He scratched the back of his head and gave him a sheepish look.  

“Oh?”

“Max got away from me that first time and found you, but…I may have set him on you a few times after that?”

Raleigh laughed aloud. There were tears in his eyes and he didn’t know if they were from wanting to laugh or cry. “A few times?”

Chuck rolled his eyes and the beginnings of a smile was working its way back onto his face.

“Okay, every time.”

The smile was infectious and Raleigh could feel one trying to work its way onto his lips in return.

“I managed to get them to let you keep him. Figured you could do with him more than me now...”

Chuck looked down at Max who in turn stared up at him; his tail barely wagged.

They lapsed into silence again.

“This is really happening, isn’t it?” Chuck asked, gazing at him. He looked so lost.

“Yeah…” Raleigh’s voice was barely a whisper.

“Shit…” Chuck ran his hands through his hair; always with that nervous and frustrated habit of his. “I never wanted this…”

Raleigh stared at him. Chuck had said as much from the beginning. He’d warned Raleigh off when they first met, and yet they had fallen into this anyway. They had ended up in this room together in the end.  

“I was scared of dying before – well, who isn’t? – but you…you…fuck!” He turned to Raleigh and a stray tear leaked out. Chuck wiped it away angrily. “Now I’m fucking _terrified_. And you… _you_ did this to me.”

“Chuck…”

“I could have gone out there and done my bit. I could have given my life for this and been proud of it. Followed in my old man’s footsteps.” The words were rushing out now and Chuck didn’t let up. “Could’ve died a hero, taking out as many of those fuckers with me, knowing I’d died for something.”

“And now…” Chuck let out a shaky breath. “Now I have something I want to fight for. Something I will die bloody for. But something I want to come home to as well. Now I have something I want to _live_ for. And it’s all your damned fault.”

Raleigh stepped forward towards him. “You’re going to come back from this.”

“You don’t know tha-”

Chuck’s voice faltered when Raleigh brought his hands up and cupped his face.

“You are going to come _back_ , Chuck.” Raleigh’s voice was firm. “To me.”

Chuck swallowed and nodded. Despite his best efforts the tears were flowing freely.

“You know, all those years I spent living in the past...” Raleigh thought back to those years when Yancy occupied his life; back when the house wasn’t a shrine to a man who had been dead and gone for years. He had never envisioned a life without him. The very idea was an impossibility that he had never even attempted to reach out for. “I never really thought about the future…till now.”

Chuck snorted. “You’ve got really shit timing, you know that?”

Raleigh smiled through the tears. “I’m aware.”

Chuck squeezed his eyes shut and a pained expression passed over his features. “I don’t even… I don’t know if – when – I will ever see you again…”

"I will wait…” Raleigh brought Chuck in close so that their foreheads rested against one another. Chuck’s hands found themselves around Raleigh’s waist. “I will wait. Even if it takes just a fraction of a second or a million lifetimes; across the distance of barely a millimetre or a thousand worlds between us; I will wait."

Chuck clutched a fistful of Raleigh’s sweater in both hands. He didn’t want to let go. He couldn’t bring himself to let go. He closed his eyes and the rest of the world dropped away. It was just him and Raleigh; the entire universe consisted of the two of them as they occupied a single space and held onto each other.

“I have to go…” Chuck croaked. His voice was so small. So broken.

Raleigh squeezed his eyes shut and held on tighter. “I know…”

Chuck made no move to go. “I have to go.”

Neither of them let go of the other.

Raleigh wanted to wrap his arms around him tighter when he felt Chuck’s grip loosen. It felt like a piece of him was being ripped out and torn away when Chuck released him from the embrace and stepped away. He wanted to scream at Chuck to stop. He wanted to beg him not to go; not to leave him behind. But he didn’t.

Chuck put his hand on the door handle and stopped. Raleigh silently begged him not to look back because he was afraid of what he might do. Chuck turned the handle and opened the door. He stepped out and the door closed behind him.

And then he was gone.

Max ran to the door after him and barked at it but it didn’t reopen. He scratched at the door but gave up when it was clear Chuck wasn’t coming back for him and instead slumped to the floor in front of it and let out another pitiful whine.

Raleigh stood there staring at the door for a long time. He heard the muffled sound of a car engine roar to life and move away but his eyes were fixed on the door. He knew Chuck was gone but his gaze never wavered even as his vision started to blur. The door remained closed.

He dropped to his knees and sank to the ground on his side. A few choked sobs escaped his lips. He felt Max’s nose snuffle at his face and the dog curled up against him. Raleigh buried his face in Max’s fur and held the dog close. They both laid there in the middle of the room with no intention of getting up.

Raleigh had been born with a congenital heart defect. He had suffered with heart failure for all of his life, but this was the first time in his life that he truly ever felt like there was a piece missing and it was broken beyond repair and no amount of surgery or medication could ever put it back together and make it whole again.

*

It’s hard to imagine that the world keeps on moving after loss. But it does. Raleigh knew that. He had continued to wake up every day after Yancy no longer could. People around him went about their business as usual. That’s the thing about people. They’re resilient. They have to be. People died every day and war sped that process up, but it wasn’t the first taste of war humanity had endured. They were no strangers to violence and death. And they always fought back, especially after their loved ones no longer could. Then they fought harder.  

Raleigh kept going after Chuck left him. He got out of bed every day when he wanted to do nothing more than pull the blankets over his head and curl up and never leave. Max played a large part in keeping him going. The dog would drench his face in slobber, paw at him and whine when he wanted food or to be let out to turn the back yard into his bathroom. Max was the reason he left the house every day and made him keep taking steps. They never stepped foot in that park though.

*

Raleigh had just finished giving Max a bath when he got the knock on the door. It sounded foreign in his house; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d had visitors. Raleigh opened the door and he was instantly transported to five years ago. The uniformed solider standing in the doorway was different from the one who had paid him a visit all those years ago. It wasn’t surprising really; he had no doubt that the solider from that time was long dead and gone by now.

“Mr. Becket?” The soldier enquired.

Raleigh slowly nodded. He wanted to be sick. He knew what the soldier was going to say before he had said it. He didn’t want to hear it, but he stood there and nodded along to the words that he didn’t really register. The speech was almost identical to the one delivered when they had informed him of Yancy’s death.

He heard the words ‘missing in action’ and ‘honourable’ and ‘great service’ but they all washed over him.

The soldier promised him that a search was being carried out and that they would notify him of any new information. Raleigh knew it was bullshit. Lies and empty promises. That’s all they were. They didn’t have the time, resources or man power to do that sort of thing. The search had already been abandoned.

Chuck was never coming home.

*

Some weeks later Raleigh was woken by the sounds of shouting in the street. Max growled and barked at the disturbance and Raleigh shut him in the bedroom when he went to investigate. He’d picked up the baseball bat he kept by the bedroom door just in case. He tried to remember if he had locked the backdoor or not. Rioting and looting were not unheard of occurrences these days. Especially as supplies became scarcer, rations became stricter and people got desperate.

He pulled back the curtain in the living room and took a peek outside. There were people out there alright. All of them causing a ruckus. But those weren’t shouts of anger he was hearing; those weren’t screams of fear or pain. Raleigh went into the hallway and slowly opened the door and stared out at them. Someone, somewhere, was playing music.

When it was clear no one was going to throw a bottle his way or try to force their way into his house Raleigh took a step out and observed the scene before him. People were cheering and laughing. Some of them had gotten hold of a generous looking amount of alcohol and were working their way through their supply with enthusiasm.

He spotted his neighbour: a woman in a wheelchair he occasionally chatted with when out on walks with Max. Her kid loved Max and it was clear from all the face licking that the feeling was mutual. She was out on her own porch sharing a drink with some people he didn’t recognise. He called out to her.

“What’s going on?”

“Haven’t you heard the news?” She called back with a huge smile on her face? “The war’s over! We won!”

So that was it. The war was finally over. And Raleigh couldn’t join in with the celebrations. The only thought running through his mind was that had it been a few weeks earlier, Chuck might have been among the victors sharing in the celebrations.

She beckoned him over but he politely declined with a strained smile and retreated back indoors. Max barked excitedly at him when he returned, but he just crawled back into bed and curled up under the blankets. The dog whined at his change in demeanour and forced his way under the blankets and curled up beside him.

The days that followed were a blur of celebrations pouring out into the streets and everyone in the highest of spirits in years. He should have been happy. He should have been a part of those celebrations. But the victory felt empty and hollow.

*

He was walking back home with Max in tow, after weeks of shutting himself in and cutting himself off from the world, when he saw his neighbour again. Her name was Alison, he had finally recalled, and she was embracing a man dressed in military uniform who was juggling her laughing kid in one arm. He also remembered that she had mentioned that her husband was out there fighting too.

She smiled and waved at him with tears in her eyes. Raleigh returned the wave and hurried inside, dragging a reluctant and worn out Max who huffed in protest. He felt like he was intruding on their reunion, but most of all, he needed to get away before they saw the look of resentment that was threatening to force its way onto his face. He was happy for her, he really was, but it only further reminded him of what he had lost. There were plenty of others out there who wouldn’t be welcoming people home either.

*

Some days, when Raleigh was at his lowest, he contemplated what it would have been like if it had been the Kaiju who had won the war that day. On those days he wondered whether that would have been such a bad thing; to be wiped out of existence and fall into the embrace of oblivion. He wouldn’t hurt anymore. He wouldn’t miss anyone or anything anymore. On those days Raleigh didn’t leave the house; he was afraid of what he might say to those people who gushed about how wonderful it was and how lucky they all were to have survived it. It wasn’t due to luck, it was due to bodies.

He never entertained the idea of oblivion at his own hands. Yancy and Chuck both would have kicked his ass for even thinking it. They both died for him. Who was he to let their sacrifice be for nothing?

He kept getting out of bed every day. For them.

*

It was two in the morning when his phone rang. Raleigh was a light sleeper; always had been. Unlike Chuck who was dead to the world once his head hit the pillow and could sleep through any alarm, he was roused by the shrill ringtone and the vibrations against the wood of the bedside table. It was why he had insisted that the phones were switched off when they went to bed, but ever since Chuck left he had left his switched on and close at hand. Just in case. Even after the news, he couldn’t bring himself to switch it off. Couldn’t switch off Chuck.

Raleigh was sorely tempted to let it go to voicemail; if it was that important, whoever was calling would leave a message. Who the hell called at this time anyway? He decided against answering; he had never heard of good news being delivered at two in the morning. The phone eventually went silent. Raleigh closed his eyes and tried to fall back to sleep.

The phone started ringing again.

Max grunted and pawed at him and he relented and rolled over. He grabbed the phone and squinted at the flashing screen as his eyes adjusted to the sudden onslaught of light. He didn’t recognise the number, but he hit the answer key anyway and managed to croak out a poor excuse for a greeting. The phone call lasted less than a minute. Raleigh was out of the bed and throwing on the first items of clothing he could find in the dark and running out of the house in minutes.

*

The figure lay motionless in the bed when Raleigh arrived. There were bandages wrapped around his head and his face was adorned with dark bruises. The blankets covering him dipped just above his knee where his left leg should have been.

Raleigh stood there staring at him. He didn’t know whether to trust his eyes or not. He wanted to reach out and touch him but he was afraid that the body in the bed would crumble away before him.

A loud sob burst out of him.

“Raleigh.” Chuck’s voice was so quiet; so weak sounding. His eyes had cracked open and he was watching him.

Raleigh could see him struggle to try and sit up but Chuck was too weak to lift his own head. He gently pushed him back down and placed his palm on his cheek.

“Hey.” He breathed out.

“Hey.” Chuck murmured back.

Tears were running down his face but for the first time in a long time Raleigh smiled.

“I told you I would wait.”


End file.
